how and when did it all started

i just want to document this so i would know how i became what i am right now.....FAT


feb 2007...when i came here in the U.S to work i was 117....i still have this abs....i run every other day because i was always stressed the first couple of months i came and that's how i release my stress.....

june 2007...i was at a conference room waiting for our meeting to start....i was still a consultant for blue cross that time....i remember standing in front of the window watching cars and buses and people at the busy market street....then i caught a reflection of me from the glass window at my left.... i noticed my face was looking more like the shape of a siopao..... i was horrified.....

i started counting calories after that..... i make sure that i only eat 800-1000 calories a day....i know that's bad....but that's what i did.... and i gained my 117 back.....

sept 2007....something really sad happened to me..... and i didn't know how to cope....
that time i just moved in philadelphia and have just been there for 4 months.....i don't know anyone yet....only the neighbors above me..... what happened so devastated me that i was on crying fit for 2 whole weeks.....every single day of that 2 weeks..... and i can't eat..... i would only eat because my tummy's complaining.....but usually it would just be 1 piece of bread for lunch and 1 for dinner...... whenever my co-workers would invite me to go to lunch with them on fridays it was agony to swallow food....... i'm in a very depressed state..... because of that i lost a lot of weight....from 117 i became 105 lbs.....in just 2 weeks.....

i snapped out of it..... i snapped out of my depression..... i tried to look for communities that i can join..... i made more friends and i was back....... i started eating again......

december 2007 i started gaining weight again....... i have a friend who's a sushi chef and he would bring me sushi's every time he would come and visit me...... i. love. sushis. and he makes very good sushi...... he always make experiments and would combine whatever and the finished product is always good.....

sushi = rice

ofcourse i would gain weight....

it was down the hill after that...... is started eating bluberrie muffin  and chocolate drink for breakfast......but somehow i got over that craving......my cravings are usually seasonal, it lasts for 3-6 months..... after that i was on a baskin & robbins ice cream binge..... i love their chocolate chip and cookie dough..... i love their pralines and cream....i love their butter pecan..... and i have 3 tubs of baskin and robbins in my freezer and would eat that for dinner..... VERY VERY BAD....  i would just eat 2 slices of wheat bread for lunch, no breakfasts and when i get home i would just eat ice cream......

at some point i was able to tame that craving..... i lost interest like how i lost interest with the blueberrie muffins that i buy at a gourmet coffee shop next to my work...... the other thing that made me gained weight is when i'm with my friends, we eat a lot..... we always go to hooters and eat wings and french fries.... there would always be parties and lots of filipino food....oh-em-gee.... food food and food everywhere! and some of my friends are very good cooks!  and ofcourse it doesn't help that i'm a foodie and that i like trying  out different food and restos.....

and it doesn't stop there.....

i started dating this special guy....and of course we would dine out.... he would cook for me.... he brings me all sorts of food...... i started drinking a lot of cocktails too.......

i'm not saying it's that special guy who made me fat......i'm also not saying that it's my friends's fault...... OF COURSE NOT! i should learn how to say no...... i should know how to limit my food intake.....but of course i didn't...... because i don't have self-control...... i don't have discipline......

i have a weighing scale in my apartment.....in fact, that's my promise to myself..... the moment i get my own apartment the first thing i would buy is a weighing scale..... problem is for one whole year i didn't use it...... that's why when i finally did i.was.shocked.

now i tried to lose weight....i bought those exercise DVDs..... i tried to run..... i go to my apartment's fitness center to do ellipticals..... but i just lack motivation.....i get bored easily....... like i said in my previous posts, i have tried different exercise DVDs but i just get bored after a week.....and here i am again with this chalean dvd.....who knows how long til i start to lose interest again.....

i still keep doing my scarsdale diet.....and i lost 6 lbs since january, not a lot....... and im worried i would gain it all back this coming holiday season.....i did lost 7 lbs more but it's yo-yo-ing from march til now..... the only fixed lbs i lost was the initial 6 lbs....... and i really wish it won't come back come this holiday season......

*sigh*

i really wish this time i'll have the discipline to do this dvd for atleast a month......